Saturday, August 12, 2006


Some of you know, that my husband is away. He had to go to Norfolk, Virginia, to a school for his job for 22 weeks.

156 days.

He has been coming home every other weekend, alternating between driving home (9 hours) and flying home (the company will let him expense five round-trip tickets during the five and a half months).

That means that I am pretty much on my own with the three boys. I have my better than sister and brother-in-law, Steve and Amy, nearby to help keep me sane, and in Amy's case, well-adjusted (she's also an excellent chiropractor), but my biological family is hours away, and so are my in-laws.

Now, I've done the Single Mom thing before. With two boys. And that was hard. They were 2 and 6. But three of them? Much harder, and harder because it isn't the same situation. This seems harder to me because it was our choosing, and it sucks, and I can't blame it on anyone I could the first time.

I am beginning to think the pressure is taking its toll on my well-being. I cannot sleep at night. I've given up even trying to go to bed at a decent hour and instead, stay up until I feel like I cannot keep my eyes open. Then I go to bed and read for a bit. Turn out the light, and usually fall into a very fitful, restless sleep. I wake up a zillion times for no reason--or juvenile reasons:
Was that someone in the house that I heard? What is that shadow over by the door?

Tonight I just couldn't even fall asleep. So I came out here to unload my heavy mind to see if once it's lighter I won't sink down into some much needed sleep. So, here it is, the rambling contents of my mind (scary, yes?):

  • Why does the milk that I just bought today with an expiration date of August 23 taste odd? Not really off, just, odd. Will it hurt the kids to drink it? What if they all get sick at the same time? I bought two gallons of it too. Will the other one taste the same? I think I'll just pour it out in the morning and go get some different milk at a different store.
  • What should I do about the highlights in my hair that are growing out? [Apparently, this is a pressing issue of global importance in my life, because I had a dream about them during the 48 minutes of sleep that I actually got last night]. I don't really want to go to the salon to have them touched up. I hate the salon actually. I despise making small talk with the stylist...I go there as a luxury and to relax, not to chitchat. I talk to enough people at home. Have you ever had a 20 minute conversations about Pokemon with a 13 year-old? I want some quiet time! I bought hair color to cover the highlights over...but I can't decide if I want to or not. Indecisive. Shallow. This is me, dears.
  • How would I get all three children out of the house by myself if it were to catch on fire? Chalk this one up to crazy, but I worry about this constantly. I don't want to have a Sophie's Choice type of moment, you know? I bought new batteries for the smoke detectors and made sure they are working, and went over with the big boys how they should get out of their windows if they have to. Luckily, we have a one story house.
  • How will I deal with all three boys on a 9 hour drive to Virginia all by myself? We are driving down this next week for 11 days. I dread the drive by myself. My in-laws live in Cleveland, which is about 8 hours and change from our house, and we do that drive a handful of times a year, but I've never done it by myself.
  • How will I deal with this?

  • This is the Chesapeake Bay Bridge/Tunnel and it is 20 miles long. I have a severe bridge phobia--"gephyrophobia" . For some reason, bridges over water are the only ones that bother me. I am certain I am going to drive off into the water. be unable to get out of the car, and drown. I have had this fear ever since I can remember, with no good reason for why. My mother, believes in reincarnation and swears I must have drowned in a car in a past life. I think I am just crazy. But, ever since I can remember, bridges over water freak me out. I can drive over concrete or railroad tracks all the live long day, but not water. And now that I am driving around with three children most of the time, it is worse. How will I get them all out of the car in time? [See Sophie's Choice above!] Especially the Bug with all of the harnesses and such in his car seat? To go around the bridge, would add about 2 hours and all of the hassle of Washington, DC traffic to my trip. I have to just suck it up and do it. But, it is weighing heavy on me. I had my first full blown anxiety attack (hyperventilating and everything) going over a much smaller bridge years ago. But, I'll handle it because I have to, right?
  • I haven't had an anxiety attack in years now, since my first marriage broke up. I've gotten a lot stronger since then. I will be okay. My husband will call me on my cell phone and talk to me the whole time. It'll be okay. Notice the repetitive self-convincing going on? All part of The Crazy.
  • Bordeaux?
  • Dublin?
  • Truffle?
  • I did buy the pattern though.
  • I probably shouldn't actually post isn't really that interesting. But, I am finally tired, and defenses are low.
  • If you hung around this long, bless you and goodnight. More about knitting tomorrow, and less neuroses, I promise!


Blogger pacalaga said...

My Bug says hello. :-)
1) I vote Tylenol PM.
2) You raised your boys right, so they'll know what to do in the event of a fire, and will probably look out for each other and you, too.
3) Go around if it's that much trouble to your soul, and tell anyone who doesn't like it that he/she can come down and drive you across if there's a problem. Or, tell yourself you're going to do it and you're allowed to freak out only after you've parked the car on the other side. Get a few of those little hammer/slicer things that you keep in your car - so the harness on the car seat and the seatbelts and windows won't be obstacles for you.
4) The Tylenol PM works best if you take it with a beer (but only if you're not particularly sensitive to either beer or Tylenol PM!)

10:23 AM  
Blogger Mary said...

There used to be volunteers at each end of the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel who would drive you across if you feared doing so yourself. Check their web site or send them an email. The experience (assuming one isn't in the middle of a panic attack) is awesome (in the best sense of the word.) Good luck. md

12:27 PM  

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