Thursday, September 22, 2005

Baby Blues

I don't know if it's because the Bug is getting bigger, or the fact that his BB#1 started junior high this year and his BB#2 is in 3rd grade already...but I find myself feeling the Baby Blues. Not the kind you suffer from post-partum. God, I could really write a gut-wrenching entry on those kind, believe me! I'm talking more about baby lust. If you have children, you know of what I speak. That uncontrollable urge to smell that smell just one more time. Nothing smells like a newborn baby. Maybe it's the Johnson's Baby Lotion, or the powder...but I don't think so. I put both on Bug last night after his bath, and it wasn't the same at all.

I had Open House at work on Tuesday night, and there was a baby there being watched by her older sister while Mom was at Open House, and I was transfixed. I swear if I could have walked right out of the school with that baby, I would didn't help that it was of the pink flavor. That foreign concept, that mystical gender that I cannot seem to produce.

Just before this, I had almost made up my mind to tell my husband that the baby machine is shut down permanently and he should go get "el snippo". But...

I would love to have a daughter. Sometimes, in quiet honest moments...I don't know if I can live without one. I am close to my mom and I've always just assumed that I would have a little girl and we would be buddies while she is small and I would hate her during the teenage years as she would hate me, but that when she worked her way out of that inhuman phase, that we would be buddies again.

I just don't know if it is in the cards for me. I absolutely am crazy in love with my three boys...don't get me wrong. I just feel some small, pinkly deocrated corner of my heart is empty. It doesn't help that some friends are having a little pink one any day, or that a girl at work is too. (She brought in pictures of the most gorgeous frilly nursery the other day, and I swear? The pangs of envy were physical...)

So...another baby on our horizon? I always pretended to have four when my sister and I played house.

And what if Number 4 was also of the Blue variety? Why, I'd love him just as crazily as his three brothers and call myself lucky to have him...and admit defeat to the Gods Who Will Not Grace Me With a Daughter. Maybe, just maybe, they know something I don't...

On a Knitting Note, I am working on a sweater for my friend at work who is having a little blue boy herself here in November. Her shower is next Thursday, I don't think it will be done in time, but it is going to be so pretty. I'm designing it myself. Here is what I have done so far on the back panel:

I am going to start the rest of the back (top) in stockinette and then the front panels and sleeves will be the same...more pictures to follow.


Blogger Esther said...

Good luck if you do decide to try for a girl! I haven't started thinking about having kids yet, but I, too, don't now if I could live without a pink baby ;)
Your sweater start is gorgeous!

3:15 PM  
Blogger Aprilynne said...

OH I can SO relate to your feelings. I get that core yearning every time I see new born. I can't help it. Even tho I already have three and have been either pregnant or nursing or both for the last six and a half years. (and am tired out of my mind) It doesn't matter, I still wish I could handle hundreds more.

9:14 PM  

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