Saturday, November 18, 2006

Why I Will Not Be Getting a "Mother of the Year" Award Any Time Soon

Note: this entry contains objectionable words, if this offends you, please do not read it. If you know me in real-life, you will not be shocked, as you have heard me use these words on a fairly regular basis. If you are my employer, or a parent of one of my students who have found this secret blog by way of the nefarious Google...then just understand, I am only human, I use bad words...so there.


So, on our long trip to Virginia back in August, I may have, er, accidentally, used a bad word in front of my two year old.

The word may have, in fact, been used more than once, in anger, directed at stupid drivers in various acts of fuckwittage. The word in question is, of course, the generic and universally used term for all people who are not like us, could never strive to be as good as us, and have no hope of ever redeeming themselves in the collective eyes of humanity.

The word is...

asshole.

I may have vehemently screamed the word at the top of my lungs when cut off on a three lane stretch of the New Jersey Turnpike by a tractor trailer who randomly and quickly decided that he needed to be in the middle (my) lane, when there was not a soul in front of him, or behind him for that matter. I may have yelled, "Asshole Truck!" I may have. I must have. I am certain that I did.

Two miles down the road, when a car legitimately pulled in front of me and came to a stop at the toll booth, a tiny, precious voice from the middle row of seats in the Mommy-mobile, may have called out exuberantly, "Asshole Car!" Clear as a bell, no mistaking what he was saying.

There was horror, but then, also, laughing behind the hands by his shocked mother and delighted older brothers. Due to the positive response, of course, the phrase was repeated, and repeated, and re-freakin'-peated many times on the rest of the drive to Chesapeake, Virginia. He loved to call it out at red lights. Apparently, in his mind, they were being assholes by stopping and holding us up.

Anyway, upon our arrival his father was less than thrilled, although, truth be told, I am sure, amused, at his latest vocabulary acquisition. It was remarked upon that it was ironic that we cannot understand much of what this child says, and yet, that one phrase was pristinely clear and properly enunciated.

As these things often do, the phrase quickly passed out of favor with the Bug and was replaced with "Oh My God!" which admittedly, isn't all innocence either (I'd prefer, "Oh my goodness!") but beggars can't be choosers, and if wishes were horses, then beggars might ride.

(My mother says this all the time, and it horrifies me that it just came rolling right off the keyboard, apparently it is true and we do become our mothers at a certain point...although I was hoping that it would be much later in life, and also?, I am relatively certain that my mother never taught us a curse word by example--but I digress).

So, the phrase disappeared from common usage around here with much relief and jubilant freedom in being able to take the child out in public with very little worry of a repeat performance.

Until...

yesterday, when said Bug took his Matchbox cars out and arranged them in a traffic jam on the coffee table, bumper to bumper. One car got nudged and ended up sideways in the row. He noticed it eventually and flicked it onto the floor whilst screeching, "Asshole Car!" at the top of his lungs.

At least he hasn't started calling people "douchebags" or "fuckwits"...

... yet...

4 Comments:

Anonymous Amy said...

Give him time Jaimi, give him time.....

11:02 PM  
Anonymous Hubby said...

There is much snickering from Virginia and an occassional "Asshole Kidney Stone!"

4:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh my god! i don't know how i found you. i started at the yarn harlot and tripped over your blog somehow. i must admit my now 15 year old son did the exact same thing when he was two...but the word was fuckin' and he said it in a little sing song voice...as in...'look at the fuckin' car' ' look at the fuckin' dog' and if i ignored him he'd yell 'mom....look at the fuckin' car i said!!' at the top of his lungs.....awwww offspring.

11:50 AM  
Blogger Olga said...

that was *such* a funny story! maybe he'll get all of the road rage out of his system early!

7:44 PM  

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