Saturday, October 14, 2006

The Point

I have learned that there comes a point in some knitting projects (let's face it--in life, too) where you just have to admit defeat. You have to come to terms with the ending that is inevitable, and then move forward with as much grace and humility as you can. I have been listening to the new John Mayer CD Continuum non-stop lately, and there is a song on there that captures how I feel right now, it's called "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room":

"It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dying breath
Of this love that we've been working on
Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms
Nobody's gonna come and save you
We pulled too many false alarms

We're going down
And you can see it, too
We're going down
And you know that we're doomed
My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room

I was the one you always dreamed of
You were the one I tried to draw
How dare you say it's nothing to me?
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw
I'll make the most of all the sadness
You'll be a bitch because you can
You'll try to hit me just to hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Cause you can't understand

We're going down
And you can see it, too
We're going down
And you know that we're doomed
My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room

Go cry about it, why don't you?
My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room
Don't you think we oughta know by know?
Don't you think we should have learned somehow?"

I have reached that point of grief over a hopeless cause with Amy's Birthday Socks.

The love is, in fact, dead. We are definitely going down. Apparently, the flames have consumed me. It is over. I have no feeling left for them. Except sadness. I am trying to "make the most of all the sadness", and the socks are definitely mocking me in a bitchy way as they sit in my bag, daring me to make up my mind about our future.

I have been knitting on these socks for weeks. A little bit every night. I have had to frog and rip back so many times, that I am sure that I have knit about four socks by now, and I still cannot get the pattern (Jaywalkers) to work out correctly. I know for a certainty that it is me, not Kathy's pattern. I just can't seem to pay close enough attention right now to the details to keep everything going well. Too many plates spinning in the air. Too little love. Too many flames to see clearly.

So, I am at The Point.

I feel defeated. I had wanted to have a pair for her by this weekend so she could wear them to Rhinebeck. I mean, her birthday was two months ago! It just isn't going to happen with this pattern. I'm sorry Amy.

Maybe it's the yarn's fault. Maybe it just doesn't want to be Jaywalkers.

Anyways, I have decided that I am going to frog what I have (a cuff, a leg, a heel flap, a turned heel, and about twelve decreasing foot rounds), re-wind the ball on my ball winder, hope that the re-winding is therapeutic, drink some wine, look at some sock books, and find something else.

If all else fails, I may just do a boring old stockinette sock. Stephanie's always look great. And she does have something when she writes about the simple humble sock. Maybe the Lorna's just wants to be humble socks , not fancy, show-offy, and all shee-shee-poo-poo. Maybe it's self-striping is enough for itself. Maybe I was pressuring it too much, trying to make it be something it just doesn't want to be.

That must be it, and not that I am a freakin' moron, right?

If I have the emotional strength I will share a picture of my humiliation the frogging and re-winding with y'all tomorrow.


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